Halle Berry is possibly one of, if not the most beautiful woman on the planet. She managed to be named Esquire magazine’s “Sexiest Woman Alive” even at age 42 and after just having had a child. If that’s not timeless beauty, I don’t know what is.
Not only that, she also is one of the most talented women in Hollywood. She has an Emmy, Golden Globe, SAG, NAACP Image Award, and was the first and only woman of African American descent to win an Academy Award for Best Actress.
Yet, somehow, despite all of this, she can’t seem to keep a man. Neither marriage papers nor a child can prevent the men in her life from running the hell away. But why?
Her name is synonymous with sex appeal, she’s accomplished at her craft, and who wouldn’t want to call a bond girl their own?While some might attribute it to men who are intimidated by successful women, every guy who has left her was not meeting her at a rags-to-riches transition. These men met her when she was already The Halle Berry.
I guess that leads us to ask: Who is Halle Berry, and what the hell is wrong with her?
More often than not, the simplest answer is the right one. Therefore, if I were forced to make a snap judgment on what the underlying issue might be, I’d have to go with the simple scientific fact that hot girls are crazy.
In fact, usually the hotter a girl is, the crazier she is; there’s no stronger positive correlation in nature than that.
So, while I think everyone knows she’s probably crazy, I’d offer that so are all chicks, it’s just at different levels. So what levels, or rather what kinds of crazy is Halle Berry?
Let us count the ways:
Attention Seeking
Either her stylist hates her or she’s on some next level shit with trying to drum up attention.
If you think Lady Gaga’s meat suit or egg entrance is the extreme one has to go to in order to be considered straight jacket worthy, or at least off your list of eligible women, then you just don’t understand what sneaky crazy can do to you.
At least you know to stay away from Gaga and her wig collection; there’s no temptation. When it comes to Berry, you are hypnotized, drawn in by her rack so much that you don’t hear the door locking behind you, and boom—you’re stuck in her dungeon of crazy.
Some of the world’s brightest and most beautiful animals are the deadliest ones. A see-through dress isn’t an accident—it’s instinct.
Possessive
Rumors have it that Berry hired private investigators to follow the father of her child, Gabriel Aubry, around. Although they weren’t exactly trying to work things out, they were trying to stay friendly as possible for Nahla’s sake. (read: She wanted to control Aubry even though they weren’t together.)
As it turns out, she didn’t really need it because he took Kim Kardashian to a Lakers game, which means they were followed by every tipped off pap in town. But hey, any investment in stalking is money well spent when you’re bat shit crazy, right?
In an even more over-the-top move, Berry showcased her controlling by insisting she be able to move her child to France, which most sane people understand is a far plane ride away from where Aubry lives in LA. You know, the father of the child with visitation rights? Ya.
Apparently crazy clouds one’s ability to understand geography. Or other people’s needs.
Insecure
When someone is this crazy, it can only go one of two ways: She’s a freak or she’s a starfish.
Anyone with those looks should be able to hold onto a man… provided they can back those looks up with something.
No man loses interest in a woman who knows how to put it down. She can be as crazy as it gets and they’ll put up with it because they know they’ll never get anything that hot and saner. They might find a freak, but that kind of crazy risks your penis being cut off in the middle of the night. If you’re up for it, then proceed with caution.
The matter of the fact is that men don’t marry magazines, so if she’s only good to look at, then what’s a perfect body worth? A dime that requires all the lights be out, insists on missionary, and sets a timer isn’t a dime at all. It’s an ex.
Drama Queen
Berry came out and said she had considered committing suicide after her first divorce, which was to Baseball player David Justice.
Um, Halle? You’re a movie star who is married to an athlete. I mean, what did you think was going to happen? Ever-wedded bliss?
And really? You were reeeeaaallly going to kill yourself because it didn’t work out? Life is over because a man rejected you? That’s high school emo B.S. right there.
Yells at mom: I HATE YOU. I’M GOING TO KILL MYSELF, THEN HOW WILL YOU FEEL? ::goes upstairs, feels sorry for self, comes back down for dinner::
I’ll note that I don’t take suicide threats or attempts lightly and don’t think anyone else should either.
I do, however, think her “confession” that she was going to gas herself is based around a crazy ass drama in her head that was never was going to play out. She sat and thought about how upset everyone would be and then felt better, end of story.
Real people are dealing with real suicidal thoughts and battling their own demons and she drops the story like a drama bomb while doing some self-promotion. She didn’t come out with the story with a philanthropic end in mind. She wasn’t reaching out to help at-risk women or youths, but instead she used it to get sympathy. And you know what’s craziest about that? She doesn’t even see it.
Straight. Up. Crazy.
I could have started and ended the whole investigation with this one simple fact: Halle Berry is a vegetarian… or maybe a vegan… or whatever it is that high-maintenance girls call themselves when they want to have a reason for constantly being on a diet.
The fact of the matter is that I don’t care because whichever she is screams crazy.
Before people start chiming in with some nonsense about her being diagnosed with type 2 diabetes or whatever her PR reason for her change of diet is, let me remind you that animal products did not do that to her. However, the fact she attributed it to that and made the irrational and, in my opinion, terrible decision to cut deliciousness out of her life entirely is more than enough evidence to prove she is DEFCON 1 kinda crazy.
Oh, but I’ll go on.
Berry was in two hit and run incidents in a three-year period, mind you this was pre-TMZ days where a simple nose pick made headlines.
You know hits and runs? Lindsay Lohan. You know who does it multiple times?Amanda Bynes, And what do we call them? Hazards to society.
Just because Berry got away with it in an era that wasn’t as celebrity obsessed or internet savvy doesn’t put her in any different of a category.
So, why can she not keep a man? Why will Martinez leave her in the next three years like clockwork? Welp, let me ask you a question: Would you stay?
