Every morning in Lagos, millions of people wake up and prepare to go to work.
This is the list of the people who have the worst jobs in Lagos, who wake up each morning with the least to look forward to.
Now, we cannot overstate the importance of good, honest hard work. It would be the easiest thing to include the people who clean our streets, collect our garbage and perform a host of other necessary honorable jobs across the city. But this is not a smug put-them-down list.
This, like we’ve said, is alist of people who have the worst jobs available in Lagos. If you find your present occupation on this list, we feel your pain.
TOP TEN WORST JOBS IN LAGOS
10. BUS CONDUCTORS
There’s the long working hours. There’s the life threatening occupation of hanging half-outside a speeding bus while keeping an eye out for passengers. There’s the smoke and the people you have to deal with everyday.
But the worst -ultimate worst- part of being a bus conductor is having to shout out the unpronounceable names of bus stop names while mentally calculating how much change you owe the guy in the distracting pink shirt. It easily combines our two worst activities: Shouting unpronounceable bus stop names and mathematics.
That’s why they sweat so much. You would to, if your entire day consisted of shouting such destinations as:
SABOYABACOSTAINPANGORIGO.
or
OSHODIOSHODIOSHODIOSH
or
OJUELEBGBAONIPANPANGROOO.
And then solving maths while doing all that.
9. NEPA POLE GUY
First of all, working for NEPA is already considered not cool by the general populace. There was this guy in Secondary school whose dad worked for The Authorities, and every time the lights went off, we’d all look at him and shake our heads.
So not only is working for NEPA not cool, but being the Pole Guy who has to go around cutting people’s power lines just has to suck in the worst way. You’re like the bad news guy the Army sends to tell families they’ve lost someone in battle. Only imaging if it’s an army that’s already generally hated by the populace.
It’s up to you to ride in that van with the ladder, get to someone’s house, climb up the pole, disconnect the power, look down, see the crowd of angry faces waiting for you at the bottom, and decide whether descending the ladder is the best option for your general health and longevity.
8. LASTMA OFFICIAL
Everybody’ in Lagos knows who the LASTMA are. Nobody likes them. There job description consists mostly of stopping you when you desperately need to be somewhere important and having the most dull drawn out conversations. You’ll never hear a conversation like: “Oh, there are the LASTMA. Let’s go hang out with them.”
Or “Hey, let’s get them some drinks shall we?”
Never.
You just know you’re in the wrong line of work if the mere sight of you causes 20,000 people to start saying mean things about your uncle’s father’s friend in the village whom they’ve never even met before.
7. BANKER
To everybody who wants to be a banker: Undeceive yourselves. Do yourselves a favor and change your future ambitions as soon as possible. It is a trap. Banking jobs are sort of like babies. You see them all cute and cuddly and you’re like, “Awww, I’d really like to have one of my own.”. Then you decide to have one of you’re own and one day you’re up by 3 a.m changing diapers and you realize that somebody, somewhere, engaged in a bit of false advertising.
Bankers have it the worst. Their working hours are horrible. The Tellers sit behind counters all day counting money an dealing with the most obnoxious customers (to be honest, we ourselves have been the obnoxious customer many a time). Then you stay back after work closes and balance accounts. And if you make some small computing error, you can’t leave until you sort that out. And then they’re targets and goals and deadlines and stuff and about 100 million fresh eager graduates out of school just waiting to take your job.
Next time you go into a bank, show a little compassion will you? Those people have it hard. There was this guy behind the counter where I formerly used to bank, and every time I went there, his face was a cry for help. It was like dud, get me out of here.
You do not want to be a banker. Especially not in Lagos. Trust me.
6. INTERNET CAFE OWNER
Remember 2001? Internet Cafe Owners had it good that year, didn’t they? Nobody understood what the internet was really about and we were all easy prey. We’d spend 1 hour waiting for an available system, hoping the guy with 12 minutes remaining wasn’t going to purchase more time. Then you’d pay some ridiculous amount for your one hour ticket. You’d sit there in front of your system for 30 minutes waiting for Yahoo Messenger to finish loading. And at the end of it, you’d look at the owner and say Thank You Sir, For Letting Me Use Your Internet Facilities.
Now if you’re an internet cafe owner, it may be beginning to dawn on you that maybe, just maybe, you’re in the wrong line of business. Maybe it’s those empty seats. Maybe it’s the drastic reduction in cashflow. Maybe it’s just how people don’t really need you anymore. Maybe it’s how people don’t even bother to accuse you of harboring Yahoo guys.
Everybody’s got a laptop now. And those who don’t have smart phones. And guess what, they can access the internet too.
Internet cafes have gone from this:
To this:
To this:
If you know any internet cafe owners, give them a hug.
5. PLUMBER
Quite possibly, and this is just an assumption made after a few months of casual observation, Lagos has the worst drainage system in the world. There are literally hundreds of thousands of houses in Lagos. This translates to millions of toilets flushing at any point on time.
We don’t want to dwell on this too much, but imagine for a moment the nasty surprises that await the Plumber. Imaging the sort of surprises that get mixed up in the convoluted network that runs beneath the city.
You’d turn up to fix a blocked pipe in Festac, and before you know it, you’re unclogging bottles from Alausa, pure water packs from Fadeyi and perhaps a Yatch or two from Ikoyi.
4. GATEMAN
There’s nothing wrong about holding doors open for people. Gates on the other hand, are a problem.
It would drive me crazy, repeating that simple process of walking to a car, looking at the occupants as if they were all under suspicion, walking to the gate, dragging it open, dragging it shut, and then waiting for when the people who just drove in minutes ago, want to leave. Then the other 90% of the time, you’re sitting out there in the sun doing absolutely nothing.
3. CHAUFFEUR
People always complain about the Lagos traffic. The only people who don’t are Drivers. Why? They’ve seen it all. All sorts of traffic. The short ones. The long ones. The ones that end at the next red Light, and the ones that end in another state. They’ve spent hours on 3rd Mainland enjoying the view. They’ve understood the inner workings of that Iyana Ipaja. They have a fond relationship with Ibadan Expressway.
I’m not talking about cab drivers, who spend a lot of time coasting around eyeballing pedestrians and dreaming up impossible price fares. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t been a driver can adequately appreciate how much misery the job must entail.
2. NSCDC LAGOS COMMANDANT
Man. This is a major contender for the worst job in Lagos. You know Mr Shem of course. And if you don’t you need to watch this.
Let’s just put it this way, there’s no man in town who is the brunt of as many jokes as this poor fellow.
First came the memes
And merchandise.
And a remix.
And a skank
1. GOVERNOR- LAGOS STATE
There are about 21 million people crammed into this tiny state. And every morning, every one of these people is looking up to this guy to somehow keep them safe and magically better their lives.
And if you’re the governor, while you’re doing this you have to keep an eye out for political enemies who are trying to make you look bad and summarily lose your job.
Then figure out how to deal with pollution.
And over population.
And crime.
And bad roads.
And Commandants who don’t know their organisation’s website addresses.
And 21 million of us.
Worst. Job. Ever.
