Music is important. It’s what makes the world go ’round. Especially pop music. It’s what really “gets” us, as a society. Not only does it have a super catchy beat, but it provides a profound lyricism that can’t be found with any other type of music.
However, it does have it’s critics. Some say that these lyrics are too promiscuous, too vulgar. To that I say, “Nonsense!” It’s all in good fun. Let the little ones sing about intercourse if they want to!
I can’t speak for all age brackets, but here are some inappropriate songs I was singing as a child and what important life lessons they taught me.
Sisqo – ‘Thong Song’
This song is like a public service announcement to all women, letting them “know what guys talk about…you know, the finer things in life.” Like, for instance, women’s underwear.
It’s important that kids learn this at a young age because it saves them the trouble of wondering what to talk about with their peers. And, for the lady folk, that men enjoy thongs. In fact, because of this song, women across the world vowed to only wear thong panties for all eternity.
“She had dumps like a truck truck truck
Thighs like what what what
All night long
Let me see that thong”
That’s right, Sisqo’s an ass man and he ain’t denying it!
Christina Aguilera – ‘Genie in a Bottle’
I’m actually really inspired by the message that Christina is sending to young girls with this song.
“If you wanna be with me, baby there’s a price to pay
I’m a genie in a bottle, you gotta rub me the right way
If you wanna be with me, I can make your wish come true
You gotta make a big impression, I gotta like what you do”
I shouldn’t give it up for free! If a man wants to get with me, he has to rub me the right way first. He should also make a big, huge, one might even say…bulging, impression. It’s as simple as that! Thanks Xtina!
Next – ‘Too Close’
No beating around the bush for these guys. They just cut right to the chase.
“I wonder if she could tell I’m hard right now hmmm
Yeah come on dance for me baby ha ha yeah
Oh oh you feel that? Alright
Come on don’t stop now
You done did it come on uh yeah alright hold on
Baby when we’re grinding
I get so excited
Ooh how I like it
I try but I can’t fight it”
I love how upfront and honest they are about their boners. And then the girl’s like, “Hold up, dude, I can feel your boner.” But he doesn’t even care because he can’t help it! He’s just doing what comes naturally, baby. Just go with it, baby. It’s all for you, baby.
This song taught me that if I’m grinding up on some guy, I’m supposed to just ignore whatever I think I might be feeling through his jeans and just feel really honored that he wants to have sex with me.
‘Nsync – ‘Digital Getdown’
Props to ‘Nsync for singing about Skype sex before Skype sex was even a thing. This song came out at a time when “Hey, wanna cyber 
” was popular chat room lingo on MSN Messenger. Except instead of Justin Timberlake, we got a middle-aged man clothed in nothing but a flannel robe, reeking of cheese doodles and desperation.
” was popular chat room lingo on MSN Messenger. Except instead of Justin Timberlake, we got a middle-aged man clothed in nothing but a flannel robe, reeking of cheese doodles and desperation.
Speaking of To Catch A Predator, here’s what I was singing at the ripe old age of eleven!
“I lose my mind just when you’re speaking
I see you on the screen, I get to freaking
So get down babe
And I’ll get down for you (I’ll get down for you)
I get so excited when I’m watching girl
I can’t wait to see you touch your body girl
It’s just me and you
So we can do what we gotta do (yeah)”
I guess we’ve all got needs, even seemingly innocent boy banders.
Khia – ‘My Neck, My Back (Lick It)’
In this song, Khia acts as our oral sex spirit guide. She knows how it’s supposed to be done and she isn’t afraid to speak up about it.
“First you gotta put your neck into it
Ah, don’t stop, just do, do it
Then you roll your tongue, from the back up to the front”
Take these words to heart, because Cosmo wishes it could write such an easy to follow, step-by-step guide for us. I don’t know where you are now, Khia, but I hope you know that you’re appreciated.
Tweet – ‘Oops (Oh My)’
Wait…is she singing about what I think she’s singing about? Yes, yes she is. Tweet gets home from a wild night out and all of a sudden she’s just really turned on and she’s freaking the fuck out because who is making her feel this way??? Oh shit, it’s herself!
“I looked over to the left
Umm, I was looking so good I couldn’t reject myself
I looked over to the left
Umm, and I was feeling so good I had to touch myself
I looked over to the left
Umm, I was eyein’ my thighs butter pecan brown
I looked over to the left
Umm, comin’ outta my shirt and then my skirt came down”
Nothing says “I’m thirteen!” quite like singing a song about some good old-fashioned self-lovin.
I honestly don’t know what us twenty-somethings would do without the words of wisdom these songs have bestowed upon us. What a wonderful world.
